Sunday, April 15, 2007


The entire story is done.

Enjoy! Thanks for your support.

The Following Takes Place between 5AM and 6AM...

Andy Morris ran out of the room to chase after the Student Action chair. He followed her to lower Sproul and into the tunnel in there. She entered a room and Morris saw what looked like a bomb sitting in the center.

"Get away from that!" yelled Morris.

The Student Action chair looked at Morris and said, "You have ruined this campus forever. We were the good guys, you were the bad guys."

Morris responded, "You were the ones that took advantage of naive students to pad your resumes! You guys have raised fees without any concern for students!'

"That's not true!" yelled the Student Action chair, "We have only cared about Students! But if they don't care about us, why should we care about them?"

"What are you going to do?" asked Morris.

"This bomb is a nuclear weapon," said the chair. "It had enough power to destroy the entire University and the entire city of Berkeley!"

Morris panicked. "Get away from the weapon!"

"No!" said the chair as she rushed to detonate the device.

Morris quickly reacted and shot the Student Action chair in the chest. She slumped to the floor.

Morris quickly ran out of the building and called SQUELCH! to tell them about the nuclear weapon.

"Oh my god," said O'Connor, "Would they really have detonated that?"

"I think so," said Morris.

Andy Morris walked back to SQUELCH! headquarters needing to sleep but comforted in the fact he had done a job well done.

Below Sproul the Student Action chair stood up. She removed her bullet proof vest and walked over to the weapon.

"Goodbye Berkeley, if you don't feel you need people like me, you don't deserve to be here anymore!" She took a deep breath and pushed the detonator.

Andy Morris saw a huge flash of light and felt heat rushing towards him. He realized what had happened. In the seconds before he was obliterated, he thought to himself, "I knew it would happen eventually. The ASUC election have destroyed Berkeley once and for all."

Within seconds, the beautiful city of Berkeley and the proud University were no more.

The Following Takes Place between 4AM and 5AM...

The judicial council was sitting wait for the defendant to arrive. They knew most of the facts of the case and were ready to make a controversial decision.

Andy Morris arrived with the Student Action chair.

The trial began.

The chair spoke about doing good for the Berkeley community and talked about SQUELCH!'s role in the events of the day.

But the judicial council saw through her lies.

Andy Ratto stepped up to the stand and presented the data he had taken from the Student Action computer ealier.

He proved that Student Action was responsible for the bombings of poll places earlier today as well as the murder of many students as well as the murder of Timmy Johnson. Everything had been planned out carefully but Student Action didn't expect the opposition of SQUELCH! to bring them down.

The judicial council went to discuss the case.

They came out with a decision: "We have decided that all of Student Action is guilty. The entire Student Action slate has been disqualified from all races."

The Student Action chair stood up and screamed, "If I'm going down, you're all coming with me!"

She then ran out of the room before anyone could stop her.

The Following Takes Place between 3AM and 4AM...

Joe Rothberg pulled out an explosive and threw it into the room of senators. The explosion went off and knocked the Student Action senators down. Rothberg entered the room and began shooting.

The Student Action senators were not able to react in time. Within minutes Rothberg had managed to kill every single one of the senators. He breathed a sigh of relief: the current Student Action regime was no more. However, the Student Action members running for senate were still out there but had unfortunately stayed on the side lines and thus there was no legal rational for attacking them. But Rothberg knew that most of the people who had been responsible for the horrific attacks of the day were now dead.

Andy Ratto was doing what he does best: filing cases. He had just finished a charge sheet that had enough evidence to disqualify the entire Student Action slate from the election. He called the elections council chair and explained the case.

Andy Morris entered the room where the UC regent and student action member were. They looked at him and drew their weapons but were not quick enough to prevent Morris from shootong and killing them both. Hearing the noise, the Student Action chair entered the room. She saw Morris and quickly put her hands in the air. Morris was about to shoot her when he recieved a phone call.

"Morris, it's Ratto. Take the student action chair alive and bring her to the judicial council. We have a case against her and we're going to win!"

Morris handcuffed the student action chair and walked with her over to the judicial council.

The Following Takes Place between 2AM and 3AM...

Joe Rothberg continued down his leg of the tunnel. Although dark, Joe used his superior vision to dart down the tunnel without hesitation. From behind him he heard an explosion. He looked behind and saw the tunnel colapse. He had no choice but to push on forward.

Andy Ratto reached the end of his tunnel. He came out on campus and knew that if Student Action had come out of here they were long gone. He decided the only thing he could do is go back to SQUELCH! headquarters and wait.

Andy Morris was still deep below the University. He heard voices ahead of him and knew that he was within reach of Student Action. He proceeded with caution as he reached the end of the tunnel. He figured he was somewhere below lower Sproul. He saw that the Student Action chair was talking to one of the UC regents and decide to wait until their conversation was over.

Rothberg reached the end of his tunnel and saw the Student Action senators alone in a room. He couldn't hear them completely, but he could clearly hear repeated words such as "victory" and "final plan". He knew he would have to either wait for them to leave or confront them on his own because there was no way he could return through the tunnel in which he came.

The Student Action chair left the room but the UC Regent stayed. Soon, a young woman wearing a blue shirt entered the room and started performing what can only be described as lewd acts on the regent. When she was done, the Regent smiled and said, "I will do what i can to make sure victory is yours."

Morris and Rothberg, each in their respective tunnels, both decided at the same time that they had no choice but to intervene.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 1AM and 2AM...

Andy Morris, Joe Rothberg, and Andy Ratto needed to rescue the students being held in Wheeler but couldn't risk entering by themselves. With most of the SQUELCH! field teams dead, there was no way to perform a full assault. They needed a different plan.

One by one, more students were forced to vote for Student Action. As one student stepped up to the computers he, he smelled smoke in the air. Within seconds the fire alarms in the building went off. In the panic, students started to run out of the building and the Student Action senators were helpless against the throng of students rushing towards them.

Outside the building, Morris had finished lighting the fire. Rothberg and Ratto began directing students away from the building to the safety of the outdoors.

However, no Student Action senators left the building. The three SQUELCH! members waited hoping to caputre some members of Student Action but after all the students left the building not a single senator was to be found.

The three of them ran into the building and found the auditorium entry. But at the back of the room, they saw what looked like a makeshift tunnel. Realizing the student action members had escaped through there, Morris, Ratto, and Rothberg ran into the tunnel.

Unfortunately, the tunnel split up into three sections halfway through. The three SQUELCH! members looked at each other, wished each other luck, and each took a different path down the tunnel.

The Following Takes Place between 12AM and 1AM...

Joe Rothberg headed into the Student Action headquarters looking for Morris and Ratto. None of the Student Action senators were there when he walked in so he began looking around the building. He saw a door in the back of the building and went to look inside. He opened it slowly and saw Morris and Ratto tied up with five Student Action guards with guns pointed at his fellow SQULECH! member's heads.
The guards turned towards Rothberg and began to fire. Rothberg ducked and avoided fire. Morris had already managed to untie himself from his captivity but had not made a move because he was heavily outnumbered and unarmed. Morris took advantage of the confusion to get up, quickly run to one of the guards and knock him unconscious with his bare hands. He picked up his weapon and shot one of the other guards. They turned towards him and Rothberg was able to quickly shoot two of the guards. The final guard, realizing his disadvantage dropped his weapon.
Morris took the ropes that previously held him prisoner and tied up that guard. He then untied Ratto and the three SQUELCH members went back to SQUELCH! headquarters.
In Wheeler, the Student Action chair and the senators set up a computer and began forcing every student in the room to vote for Student Action. The students had no choice but to comply.
Back at SQUELCH! headquarters, Ratto took out the drive he had used earlier to download Student Action's files. He gave the drive to a member of the SQUELCH! technology team who decoded the files.
A file that had Student Action's plans for today came up. O'Connor took a look and saw: "12:30 AM - Take control of Wheeler voting forum"
"The three of you need to head over to Wheeler," said O'Connor, "We need to stop Student Action once and for all."

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Following Takes Place Between 11PM and 12AM...

Andy Ratto was looking through the computer at Student Action headquarters. Unfortunately, the files were encypted and he didn't have the technology to figure out what they said. He loaded all the filed onto a drive and left to go back to SQUELCH! headquarters. Unfortunately, as he was leaving the building, the Student Action senators returned. They smiled at Ratto and one of them hit him over the head, knocking him unconscious.

A committee of students wanting to learn more about the elections sat in Wheeler auditorium. They still had a few hours to vote and wanted to make up their minds about who to vote for.

The Student Action chair showed up to the meeting and stood in the back. She listened to the students debating the issues.

John O'Connor learned of Lauren Karasek's death and was upset. The day just kept getting worse and worse. He blamed himself for letting the senators go and wanted to do something to redeem himself. Even worse, he hadn't heard from Andy Ratto lately and was worried that he had been captured or killed.

Having no other choice, he dispatched Joe Rothberg to Student Action headquarters. The rest of the SQUELCH! field agents were either captured or dead and if Joe wasn't able to succeed there was no chance for SQUELCH!

Andy Morris was still tied up in a back room. The guards set up another chair and he watched as Andy Ratto was tied up next to him. He knew that sending Ratto was an act of desperation and seeing him captured lowered Morris' hopes of saving the day.

As the students in Wheeler debated, the Student Action senators came into the room and closed the door behind them.

The Student Action chair walked to the front of the room. The students looked up confused. The chair pulled out a gun.

"The debate is over. You guys are going to vote for us and you're going to vote for us now!"

The Following Take Place Betweeen 10PM and 11PM...

Andy Morris found himself in a dark room tied up to a chair. The Student Action chair appeared in front of him.

"You're very crafty Mr. Morris," she said, "but you're not getting out of this." She put five guards in the room with Morris who stood silently with guns drawn and pointed at Morris' head.

Andy Ratto showed up at SQUELCH! headquarters.

"It's good to see you Ratto," said O'Connor, "Things haven't been good since you left."

"What do you want me to do?" asked Ratto.

"We need you to figure out what Student Action is up to. The day's almost over and we think their biggest plan has yet to come to fruition."

The Student Action senators sat planning their next move . With Morris finally out of the picture they were finally able to complete their plans uninhibited.

"We need to make a big statement," said one of the Senators, "People need to know that we control the school and we can't be messed with. These SQEULCH! people have been criticising our practices and we can't allow any dissent! You all know what we need to do."

Andy Ratto showed up at Student Action headquarters and began to look around. He saw the senators quickly leave the room but hid behind a chair so as not to be spotted. With the senators gone, he walked over to one of the laptops left in the room. He was able to quickly break the password and began to examine the files inside.

Lauren Karasek sat in her office drinking a bottle of Whisky. She coudn't believe that the threat had not been stopped yet. She recieved a knock on her door.

"Come in," she said.

The Student Action chair walked into the room. "I'd like to declare a truce," she said.

Karasek was relieved to here this. She offered some whisky to the chair who politely declined.

"I'm glad we could come to an agreement," said Karasek. But as she spoke the Student Action senators walked into the room.

"What's going on?" asked Karasek.

But the Student Action senators began to walk towards her. She tried to run but was grabbed by the senators. They took her to the window and stuck her out.

"Goodbye Ms. Karasek," said the Student Action chair.

Lauren Karasek screamed as she fell ten stories and splattered on the concrete below.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Commercial Break

Election day is here!

Go to to vote!

Once again, I'm #99 on the ballot.

The episodes are still coming. They may not be completed by friday, but they should be done by the time results come out on tuesday.

The Following Takes Place between 9PM and 10PM...

The Student Action senators returned to their headquarters. They were upset that two of their plans had failed, but content with the fact that they were free and busy planning their next attack. But Andy Morris worried them. They knew that by this point he had probably discovered that they had a nuclear arsenal underneath lower Spoul and knew he would head there next. They decided to set up a trap.

Lauren Karasek sat in her office drinking a bottle of Vodka. The day had been stressful and she felt she deserved a drink (or six). Halfway through the bottle, however, her phone rang.

"Yes?" she asked drunkenly.

"Karasek, it's O'Connor. We have a problem. It seems Student Action has nuclear capabilities."

"We only have one option," replied Karasek, "We need to launch a full attack!"

Andy Morris assembled a large team of SQUELCH! agents and went over to lower Sproul. He found a secret tunnel and entered cautiously. Underneath lower Sproul, he suspiciously eyed a door labeled "Nuclear Weapons."

"Wow, for an organization with nuclear weapons, the leadership doesn't seem very intellegent," he remarked.

He entered the room and saw a giant nuclear generator in the center. He walked over to it but quickly realized it was fake. Within seconds, hundreds of Student Action members stormed into the room.

A shoot out occured and bullets flew across the room. Morris hid behind the generator and was able to shoot 10 Student Action members. Unfortunately, his team was not so lucky. They were completely surrounded and brutally murdered in front of Morris' eyes. Morris watched as his team was killed. During the battle, a Student Action member was able to sneak behind Morris. He put his gun to Morris' head and yelled, "Drop you weapon!" Morris had no choice but to comply.

Lauren Karasek recieved a phone call and learned that the assault was a failure and Morris had once again been captured.

She had no choice. She had to call the one person who had proved a challened to Student Action in the past. The one person who single handedly almost brought down the entire Student Action regime. She had to call Andy Ratto.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 8PM and 9PM...

John O'Connor learned of the destruction of the Campanile and assumed Morris was dead. Although upset, he knew there were bigger forces at play and decided it was time to interrogate the Student Action senators. He grabbed Joe Rothberg and they entered the room where the senators were being held.

Rothberg led the questioning. He grabbed a senator and yelled, "Where is the name brand candidate machine?" The senator defiantly yelled, "I'm not going to tell you!" Rothberg quickly grabbed the senator's hand and deftly broke one of his fingers. The senator looked up and spit in Rothberg's face. "This isn't working," Rothberg said to O'Connor, "Bring out the big guns."

Andy Morris climbed out of a pile of rubble at the base of where the Campanile once stood. Because of his SQUELCH! training, Morris was able to brace himself and survive the collapse of the building. He ran off the campus and headed towards telegraph avenue.

John O'Connor entered the room where the senators were being held. He had a bow and arrow in hand. He pointed to a single dot on the other side of the room, drew back the bow and hit the spot dead on.

"I am incredibly skilled at using this bow and arrow," he announced, "I can pierce any internal organ and provide you with more pain than you have ever felt in your life without actually killing you."

He aimed his arrow at one of the Student Action senator's kidneys. "I'm going to count to three," he began, "One. Two. Thr..." "Wait!" said the senator. "The machine is in the the basement of Evans!"

"And how do we stop the polling places from exploding when we vote SQUELCH!?" Rothberg asked.

"It's a simple virus," explained the senators. "Just extract the virus using this code." The senators then went on with some technical jargon and O'Connor entered the command.

Immediately his cell phone, "O'Connor, it's Morris."

"It's great to hear from you, we assumed you were dead. We need you to go to the basement of Evans to find the candidate machine!"

Morris ran over to Evans and entered the basement. He looked around and saw the machine. He called O'Connor, "The machine is here, I'll destroy it immediately."

O'Connor was pleased and as a sign of gratitude, let the student action senators leave SQUELCH! headquarters.

Morris placed a small explosive at the base of the machine and effectively destroyed Student Action's abilities to create name brand candidates.

But as he was leaving the building, Morris spotted a computer. He turned it on and saw a file that caught his eye.

He opened it. "Damn it!" yelled Morris and he immediately called O'Connor.

"We have a problem," said Morris, "it seems that Student Action has more plans up there sleeves. This seems to be the worse yet. I have evidence here that the Lower Sproul Fee is really just providing funding to continue Student Action's nuclear capabilities somewhere in lower sproul."

"Shit," said O'Connor. "We probably shouldn't have let them go."

Monday, April 9, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 7PM and 8PM...

Andy Morris was trapped at the top of the Campanile. Wasserman had worked with Morris many times before and knew all of Morris' tricks. There was no way for Andy to escape.

The Student Action chair, David Wasserman, and 10 student action lackeys stood at the base of the Campanile. Morris was trapped at the top of the building and was no longer a threat to Student Action. But the party wanted to do away with Morris once and for all.

"Why aren't you doing your work!" yelled the Student Action chair.

With that, the lackeys began to draw an exclamation point, the signature sign of the SQUELCH! party, in chalk at the base of the tower.

John O'Connor paced back and forth in his office in the SQUELCH! headquarters. He was worried about the face of Morris. He also knew he couldn't keep the Student Action members prisoner without facing political and even military pressure. He decided to wait another hour and if no word of Morris was heard he would interegate them himself with the help of Joe Rothberg.

The Student Action members finished their chalking and carefully coated the exclamation mark with spraypaint.

"It looks like the work of SQUELCH!" said Wasserman, "We're ready."

"It's all up to you," said the Student Action chair.

Wasserman and the Student Action lackeys began to place explosives around the base of the Campanile. When they were finished, the members of Student Action and Wasserman stood back.

Wasserman took a deep breath and looked down at the trigger. He hesitated.

"What's wrong?" asked the Student Action chair.

"We can't do this," said Wasserman, "I can't kill a friend and I will not blow up an important piece of Cal history!"

"You're weak," said the Student Action head. She then pulled out a gun and shot David Wasserman in the head. Wasserman's brains splattered over the pathway and his body slumped to the floor. "I'll have to do this myself."

She grabbed the trigger and pushed the button.

The Campanile, with Morris trapped at the top floor, went up in a blaze of fire and rubble flew across the Berkeley campus. All that was left was a pile of concrete and a chalking of an exclamation mark.

The Following Takes Place between 6PM and 7PM...

Lauren Karasek made a call to John O'Connor. "Listen John," she explained, "I know you may not agree with the actions I have taken today but I have to best interest of SQUELCH! at heart. Although I may be spending money on military action, I still want to give as much funding as I can to student groups on campus and make the Berkeley campus a better place."

"It's good to hear that," replied O'Connor, "but we need you to release David Wasserman. He's one of our most useful personel and you've prevented him from performing his duty."

"I can't do that," said Karasek.

Andy Morris climbed the stairs to the Campanile. "What are you doing here?" demanded a member of Student Action guarding the stairs. Morris quickly pulled out his gun and shot the guard in the leg. With a powerful blow to the head, Morris knocked the guard out and handcuffed him to the building. He quickly climbed to the top and ran to David Wasserman's cell.

"Morris!" Wasserman cheerfully yelled, "Thank God you're here!" Morris placed a small explosive at the base of the Wasserman's cell. A loud explosion shook the tower and blew Wasserman to the ground.

"Thank you for rescuing me," he said as Morris walked to the back of the cell to help Wasserman up.

Morris turned to examine the holding cell and wondered why the ASUC would waste its money on a useless program such as this. Unexpectedly, he felt the cold tinge of metal against his arm and realized he was being handcuffed to the cell.

"I'm really sorry," said Wasserman, "but this is neccessary."

Morris looked shocked as he turned to look Wasserman in the face, "So you're the mole? Why?"

"Because Student Action has good ideas and you're ruining them! For example, Albert Wu calls for "More Career and Grad School guidance" (from ALBERT J. WU #93 for ASUC SENATE).

"Wait, how are a bunch of college students in the senate going to create that? There's no real substance to that goal!" screamed Morris.

Morris' cell phone rang. "Answer it!" demanded Wasserman, "Put it on Speaker."

"Hello?" asked Morris.

John O'Connor's voice came through clearly, "Abort the mission Morris! Karasek is not the mole, it's Wasserman!"

Before he could respond, Wasserman grabbed the cell phone and hurried out of the tower.

He dialed a phone call. "Hello?" answered the Student Action head.

"Morris is in the tower," said Wasserman, "commence the operation."

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Commercial Break

Well, the day is halfway over.


If you're enjoying the episodes, join my facebook group:

Also, tell all your friends about this blog.

Don't forget to vote this week, wednesday to friday!

I'm #99 in the ballot. Vote SQUELCH! down the line.

Finally, come visit SQUELCH! in front of Sather Gate all week:
Monday: SQUELCH! Hunger Strike
Tueday: Dildo Races
Wednesday: Hookah on Sproul
Thursday: Civil War Reenactment
Friday: Drinking Games on Sproul

Saturday, April 7, 2007

The Following Takes Place Between 5PM and 6PM...

Andy Morris dialed John O'Connor. "We've managed to infiltrate the committee but we have a problem. They knew I was coming, there may be a Student Action member posing as a member of SQUELCH!. "

"I'll put some people on it," replied O'Connor.

Joe Rothberg went for a walk outside, shaky after being held prisoner for the last 3 hours. He walked onto Sproul where he was quickly accosted by a member of Student Action.

"Mr. Rothberg," said the girl, "I hope you've had a good day." She quickly pulled out a gun and pointed it at Rothberg's head. "I'm going to deal with you the same way I dealt with your friend Timmy earlier today!"

Rothberg impulsively spun around and kicked the gun out of her hand. He then performed his patented Cervix Chop and the girl painfully fell to the ground. He picked up her gun and in a fit of rage said, "This if for Timmy!" and cocked back his gun. But he stopped himself as he was about to pull trigger. "I'm not going to stoop to your level," calmly said Rothberg. His nerves calmed, Rothberg hit the girl in the back of the head with his gun, knocking her unconscious. He made a call and told SQUELCH! agents to pick up her body.

Andy Morris arrived back at SQUELCH! headquarters with the Student Action senators under his control.

John O'Connor quickly ran to Morris, "Karasek seems to have lost it," he explains, "she ordered the assault on Student Action without thinking about the consequences and she has had Wasserman detained. We can't lose our only senator, you need to get Wasserman back before we deal with the senators. He's being held where all the political prisoners of the ASUC are put."

"I'm on it," replied Morris.

David Wasserman paced back and forth in his cell at the top of the Campanile. He knew he couldn't escape from his prison. The Campanile was built to be secure enough to hold even the most dangerous opponents of the ASUC. He hoped that SQUELCH! would send someone quickly.

Andy Morris arrived at the base of the Campanile. He knew how hard the place would be to inflatrate but David Wasserman was a neccessary member of the SQUELCH! team. He walked to the front entrance but was stopped by a Student Action guard. Morris quickly drew his gun and shot the guard at the base of the tower. He then causually walked into the building.

Friday, April 6, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 4PM and 5PM...

Lauren Karasek called her men. "We're ready for the attack," she said.

Andy Morris and Joe Rothberg were handcuffed in a dark room somewhere.

"We need to get out of here," said Morris. He tried to get out of his handcuffs but he wasn't able to do it.

The Student Action committee was discussing what to do with Andy Morris and how to keep the polls opens. All of the sudden, there was an explosion! The Student Action members hid under there desks as SQUELCH! party members ran into the room.

They quickly ran into the room where Rothberg and Morris were being held.

"Thank God you're here," said Morris.

Rothberg and Morris were taken out of their handcuffs while the SQUELCH! agents took all the Student Action members hostage, as per Karasek's request.

In the office of the ASUC president, Karasek looked pleased.

She picked up her cell phone and made a phone call, "Yes. Everything is going as planned!", she explained, "In a few hours we will control the entire government. Nothing can stand in our way now!" But as she spoke, David Wasserman entered the room.

"You don't understand anything about SQUELCH!" he said, "The SQUELCH! party is about helping students. You're more caught up in hurting Student Action then working for students."

Karasek looked at Wasserman with brutal eyes. She picked up her phone and said, "Security, please take David Wasserman away."

Before Wasserman could act, men were on him placing him in handcuffs.

"You don't understand," explained Karasek, "everything I'm doing is necessary. You can't stop me now!"

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 3PM and 4PM...

Andy Morris race over to the campus. The meeting discussing not only the plan to capture Morris but also the attacks of the day was about to begin.

Senator David Wasserman met with temporary President Karasek in the office of the ASUC president.

"Andy Morris is headed over to the meeting right now," explained Wasserman, "he should hopefully be able to obtain more information about the bombings as well as Student Action's machine."

"Very good," said Karasek, "but we need to take a more proactive approach to today's events."

"What do you mean?" asked Wasserman.

"Earlier today, they attacked our headquarters and they've been murdering our members. We need to do the same. I'm calling for a full assault on Student Action headquarters and the capture of members of their party."

"But that's the same reason the previous President is up for trial. Can we really risk to stoop to their level?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," said Karasek. "Nobody can ever find out about my involvement in this. But it's already set up. It should happen within the next 2 hours."

Wasserman left the room. He was worried that this new approach would backfire, but he trusted Karasek and believed she knew what she was doing.

Andy Morris reached the place where the meeting was being held. When he arrived, the meeting was already in progress. He stood outside the door when, without warning, to Student Action senators grabbed him and brought him into the room. There, the student action chair smiled at him and said, "Mr. Morris, we've been expecting you!"

Joe Rothberg wondered what was going on. Only a few hours ago he had been shot and the trail of events leading to his capture was hazy. He saw the door open and was blinded by the light. Another person was brought in and thrown on the ground next to him.

A voice which he recognized to be the Student Action party chair spoke calmly, "Enjoy the next hour Mr. Rothberg and Mr. Morris for it will be your last."

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 2PM and 3PM...

The judicial council didn't know what to do. The Vice President was dead and the President was up for trial. Normally the decision would go to the ASUC senate but the events of the day made the council reluctant to allow the Student Action led senate to choose the next leader. So a decision was made: The new President of the ASUC would be the person who received the second most votes in last presidential election: former SQUELCH! member Lauren Karasek. A call was made and Ms. Karasek was to be put into the position within the hour.

Senator David Wasserman sat in an emergency senate meeting. He watched as Student Action complained about the decision of the judicial council but knew that they had no power to overturn it. Still, he feared for his party as well as his own life because of the murders of his fellow party members. What worried him still was the call for Andy Morris' life.

"He killed the Vice President!" claimed one Student Action senator, "We can't stand by and let him get away."

As a result of the ferver to capture Andy Morris, the temporary committee for the arrest and detainment of Andy Morris was created.

Andy Morris knew he could not go back to SQUELCH! headquarters because of the bounty on his head. Still, Morris was no where closer to finding the machine or stopping the explosions at the polling places. He wished he had a clue. His cell phone rang.

"Hello?" answered Morris.

"Morris, it's Wasserman. A new commitee was just created to capture you. But I think they have a bigger role in today's events than might seem. They'll be meeting on campus in an hour."

SQUELCH! agent Joe Rothberg woke up in a dark room. The Student Action chair stood over him. "Where am I?" he asked.

"You're in a place where you can't interfere with us winning this election," explained the chair.

"You won't get away with this!" yelled Rothberg. The chair laughed and walked out of the room.

Lauren Karasek walked into her office for the first time as President. She recieved a call from John O'Connor.

"It's great to hear some good news," said O'Connor, "We're in a crisis right now and we need to stop Student Action."

"Don't worry," said Karasek, "I already have a plan."

The Following Takes Place between 1PM and 2PM...

"We also want to 'institute campus-wide workshops to educate students on the advising process'" (from I support Maribeth Moore #70 for ASUC Senate), proudly announced the Vice President.

"So you're basically having advising... for advisors?" asked Morris.

But before the Vice President could respond, a bomb went off it the room. SQUELCH! team members had infiltrated the office and planted a weapon. Because they couldn't harm the Vice President without recieving at least 3 censures, the bomb was meant as a distraction. In the confusion, Morris deftly slipped out of his cuffs, rolled across the room, and stole the Vice President's gun.

"Where is the machine?" yells Morris.

"Don't you understand?" asks the Vice President, "Students want name brand candidates. Nobody actually wants change, they like things the way they are and don't care to change it. All SQUELCH! does is postpone the inevitable. Student Action is going to win whether you like it or not."

"I can't believe that," loudly whispered Morris as he stared in the Vice President's defiant eyes. But even as he said that, the Vice President slumped over.

"Wake up!" yelled Morris, but he knew what had happened. He opened the Vice President's mouth to see the remnants of a cyanide pill floating on his tongue.

The phone rings back at SQUELCH! headquarters. "Hello?" answers John O'Connor.

"O'Connor, it's Morris. The Vice President has killed himself. I've managed to escape, but they're going to assume it was me. I think their plan is much bigger than what we anticipated."

"I know", replied O'Connor, "polling places are exploding all over campus. Intellegence has suggested that there's a bug in the system that makes polling booths explode if the voter chooses to vote SQUELCH! The election council is considering shutting down the polls for today but they've decided to ignore any infractions/murders that take place in the next 24 hours because they forgot to clarify that murders were against the rules."

SQUELCH! Agent/Presidential Hopeful Joe Rothberg woke up in his hospital bed. His shoulder hurt but he was relieved to still be alive. A friend of his walked into the room. He thanked his friend for coming to visit him in the hospital. But the friend just smiled and hit Joe in the head, knocking him unconscious. The student put Joe into a laundary cart and quickly rolled the cart out of the hospital.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 12PM and 1PM...

Andy Morris sat handcuffed in a chair in the ASUC office of the President. The Vice President looks at him and asks, "Mr. Morris, why do you feel you have to fight us so hard? We're the good guys here... we help students." Morris looked him in the eyes and said, "The only thing you help is yourselves." "But student action has a lot of good ideas that will help the Berkeley community, if you just listened to them maybe you'd understand." "Tell me some of your brilliant ideas" Morris answered sarcastically.

"Well, we 'want to make the Senate and the ASUC as a whole more accessible and accountable to students' (from SCOTT SILVER #89 for Senate!)" "How can you claim that," angerly shouted Morris, "your party has had the majority control of the senate for years and the ASUC has never become more accessible for students and has certainly become less accountable. Have you forgotten Oren Gabriel trying to get the senate to pay for his unnecessary legal fees?"

"Well, we're improving this year," craftily lied the Vice President. "We have a lot of concrete ideas that will greatly change the campus. For example, some of our candidates feel that professional note taking services need to be improved. One wants to 'extend the note taking service to more upper division courses and most of the popular lower division courses' (from VOTE #90: CHRIS WONG FOR ASUC SENATE!) and another proposes to 'create archives of previous black lightning notes' (from VOTE LISA PATEL #92 for ASUC SENATE!!)"

"First of all," answered Morris, "since you need students to take notes for these services, how do you guys plan on actually expanding the service. They already come into classrooms trying to get notetakers so do you actually have a feasable plan for implementing your claim. Your second idea is good though, but archived notes of old classes already exist on the black lightning website."

The vice president thought for a moment and said, "Black lightning archive... DONE!"

Back at CTU headquarters, Joe Rothberg is brought in for medical attention. John O'Connor is notified that Andy Morris has been captured. "We need to build a team to extract Morris from the grip of the Vice President. There's no telling what kind of lies he might be spewing."

But Morris was forced to hear the many lies and false claims of the Vice President, a fate worse than any torture Morris had ever implemented. "Well, another idea we have 'is to work with the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) for student discounts/ a BART pass similar to the current student bus pass' (from GETMO WITH BEV ELITHORP #88 FOR ASUC SENATE!!)"

"How is that even possible," screamed Morris, "BART has set fares for each location, it's not the type of service thaty ou can even get a pass for! How would you even get a student discount with that, I'm pretty sure the machine just takes cash and credit cards!"

"Well, at least we'll be able to 'increase student awareness of campus services and resources' (from WINNIE KUO #135 for ASUC Senate! :))"

Morris squirmed in his seat. "I can't take this anymore, your idiotic, vague claims don't mean anything. I don't think I can stand to hear another minute of this."

"Oh," said the Vice President calmly, "but I've only just begun."

The Following Takes Place between 11AM and 12PM...

As Andy Morris drives to the office of the ASUC president, the president is being removed from the office. The Vice President is sworn in as the new leader and sends for the head of Student Action. "Our attack on the SQUELCH! headquarters was a failure," explains the vice president, "but our other plan of attack seems to be working perfectly."

A freshman girl sits downs at the polling place for her first ASUC election. After 2 weeks of being constantly bombarded with flyers and false promises, she seems to be somewhat disillusioned with the whole election process. In the end, she decided to vote for SQUELCH! not only because of their impressive platform of giving money back to student groups and free speech but because betting on the neon blue dildo during SQUELCH's annual vibrator races greatly improved her self esteem. She submits her choices but is surprised to see the message, "WRONG CHOICE" appear on her screen. Her confusion is short lived however. The girl hears a loud noise and a flash of light and within seconds her internal organs and circulatory system are splattered on Upper Sproul. The Student Action candidates campaigning in the nearby area casually walk by to take pictures and submit a suit against the illegal splattering of blood within 100 feet of a polling place.

Andy Morris arrives at the office of the ASUC President with his team behind him led by SQUELCH! Presidential candidate Joe Rothberg. They storm into the building and approach the secretary's desk. "We need to see the president now!" yells Morris. "I'm sorry," replies the secretary, "he is no longer in power. The Vice President has taken his position." "Damn it!" screams Morris, "We need to get into his office! The Vice President is a traitor... You're gunna have to trust me!" The secretary looked calmly at Morris, said "I know," and pulled out a gun. "You're coming with me," she said. Rothberg quickly pulled out his weapon and stepped in front of Morris, but not quick enough to avoid a gun shot to the shoulder. "Get him out of here!" yells Morris, "I'm the one that they want!" As the SQUELCH! team grabbed Joe and took him out of the building, Morris was placed in restraints and taken to the office of the Vice President.

Timmy Johnson, a young boy not more than 10 years old limps down Sproul wearing a SQUELCH! button. He was in Berkeley for the week visiting his older brother and had become stricken by the the antics of SQUELCH! Although he didn't understand the issues, he wore his button with pride and hoped to one day become a full member of the SQUELCH! party. The boy's self esteem had been low his whole life because of an illness he had contracted as an infant which gave him his distinct limp. But his time in Berkeley with SQUELCH! had made Timmy realize that there was still good in the world. But as he walked through Berkeley he ran into a member of Student Action. She looked at Timmy's button and asked, "Why are you wearing that?" Timmy replied, "Because the SQUELCH! members are my friends and I want to support them." The Student Action member looked at the boy with fire in her eyes and said, "Actions Speak Louder than Words" as she shot poor Timmy Johnson in the head. Underlings holding tall signs dragged the boy's body to an undisclosed location.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 10AM and 11AM...

The President of the ASUC looks worried as he puts down his phone after learning that one of the Student Action senators had been captured by SQUELCH! The Vice President tells the president that immediate action is needed to stop SQUELCH! and rescue the senator. However, the President disagrees and tells the Vice President that Student Action shouldn't have been there in the first place. The Vice President walks out of the room and makes a phone call: "Judicial Council, I think we may have a problem."

Back at SQUELCH! Headquarters, a new leader emerges. SQUELCH! Agent John O'Conner has been put in charge. He immediately takes charge and proclaims SQUELCH! needs to discover the location of the name-brand candidate machine within the next hour.

Meanwhile, Andy Morris has the student action senator tied to a chair. "Where is the machine?" Morris yells at the senator, but the suspect responds that he doesn't know anything. Quickly and without passion, Morris pulls out a gun and shoots the senator in the left hand. "That was just your left hand," calmly explains Morris, "but if you want to still pass out flyers and shake hands with everyone who walks past you with your right hand I expect you to tell me what you know!" The senator looks up and says, "It's with the vice president".

Back at the office of the ASUC, the President sits at his desk. Suddenly, the room bursts open and the Judicial Council surrounds and hand cuffs the president. "Mr. President, you are under arrest for the unlawful attack on SQUELCH! headquarters". The President argues, "But I didn't know about it, it wasn't me!" The head of the judicial council, who believed what the president was saying but was forced by the ever growing political power of the vice president, just said, "I'm sorry Mr. President."

Monday, March 26, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 9AM and 10AM...

As the polls open for a day of exciting voting, a lone young man walks to the polling place. He sits down at the computer and begins to cast his ballot. Suddenly, there's an explosion. The polling booths go up in a blaze a fire. The young man lies on the ground bleeding. As the life slowly leaves him, he grasps the button on his chest as if to prove to the world that he didn't die for nothing. The button reads "Vote SQUELCH!"

The office of the president of the ASUC: The President and Vice President discuss their strategy for the day with the head of Student Action. The news of the bombing at the polling place makes its way to the office. The three people in the room are shocked. But when the President leaves the room, the head of Student Action lets the VP know that the day is going perfectly so far. The VP is worried about SQUELCH! but the party head lets him know that they are about to be taken care of.

SQUELCH! leader Ben Narodick looks panicked as he runs through SQUELCH! headquarters. SQUELCH! was not even a step closer to locating the name-brand candidate machine that could allow Student Action to win the election. And he had just recieved a report that one of his own agents was killed in an explosion at one of the polling places. He was waiting for a report from David Wasserman, the one SQUELCH! member who had managed to infaltrate the infamous Student Action breeding grounds: The Senate.

Andy Morris stares at the figures places before him. SQUELCH! agents Joe Rothberg and Gabe Weiner have put together a report on what will happen should the Student Action machine not be stopped. The result: 19 senate members and an entire executive slate. Morris knew that he had to do something to stop them.

Ben Narodick jumped up as his phone rang. He answered the phone to hear the voice of David Wasserman on the other line. Unfortunately, Wasserman was just as much in the dark as the other members of SQUELCH! Narodick cursed as he realized he needed another lead when he quickly noticed a distinct smell in the air. It was subtle at first but he quickly recognized the scent of hairspray. Narodick hit the alarms and sent SQUELCH! headquarters into lockdown but it was too late.

Within seconds, hundreds of Student Action lackeys had entered the SQUELCH! headquarters. None of the actual Student Action candidates were there because the situation was dangerous and required confrontation so they sent their assistants while anonymously posting on blogs that the assault was in the name of the students. Soon, SQUELCH! headquarters was infested with graffeti bearing the names of candidates and numbers that nobody could really tell apart. And the sound of "Can I please tell you about my candidate?" filled the halls.

Morris quickly began shooting to protect his fellow SQUELCH members from the hypnotic and convincing propaganda/laminated flyers brought by the Student Action groupies. The attackers fired back with homemade bombs made out of the hairspray and chalk they had brought (which turn out to be incredibly explosive and long lasting when used together). As a member of Student Action threw one of its bombs at Agent Rothberg, Morris was able to kick the bomb back at the offender and blow up 15 of them at the same time. With his sharp skills and quick maneuvers, Morris was able to kill all of the Student Action members with little damage to SQUELCH! agents.

Morris thought the threat was over, but when he looked up to Ben Narodick's office, he saw a Student Action senator standing there with him. Morris ran up to the office and grabbed the senator from behind, placing him in cuffs. Morris smiled at Narodick but noticed blood rushing from Ben's neck. As SQUELCH! agents took the Student Action senator into custody, Morris ran over to Narodick to try to save his life. But Narodick just looked up into Morris' eyes and said "You must stop them." His breathing stopped and he slowly faded from consiousness.

Commercial Break

Hey everyone, the next episode should be up by the end of today. Until then, look at what some of the blogs around Berkeley have to say about me:

The Daily Clog
Beetle Beat

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 8AM and 9AM...

Seeing that SQUELCH! has discovered its plot and is planning to stop it, Student Action decides it has to do everything at its disposal to prevent a fair election. They decide they had to strike first (but only after spending $20,000 on legal consulting). They head over to the SQUELCH! headquarters armed with what looks like only chalk. But as the hour ends, it is revealed that they brought the one thing that can make chalk deadly... hairspray.

The Following Takes Place between 7AM and 8AM...

It is revealed that Student Action has a machine that produces name-brand candidates thus accounting for their never ending supply. SQUELCH! discovers that this machine exists and vows to destroy it to save the ASUC once and for all. Meanwhile, CALserve fights to change Oski to a more "gender-neutral" mascot.

The Following Takes Place between 6AM and 7AM...

Andy Morris is being tortured by the Student Action slate. As they waste your student funds on their needlessly expensive torture devices (which not only aren't as cool as just breaking someone's thumb they're also less painful and more "pc") they constantly remind Morris that his "Constitutional Rights no longer apply". Fortunately, Andy escapes, shoots his captors, and returns to SQUELCH! headquarters.


The following posts take place on the day of the ASUC election.


Andy "Jack Bauer" Morris #99