Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Following Takes Place between 12PM and 1PM...

Andy Morris sat handcuffed in a chair in the ASUC office of the President. The Vice President looks at him and asks, "Mr. Morris, why do you feel you have to fight us so hard? We're the good guys here... we help students." Morris looked him in the eyes and said, "The only thing you help is yourselves." "But student action has a lot of good ideas that will help the Berkeley community, if you just listened to them maybe you'd understand." "Tell me some of your brilliant ideas" Morris answered sarcastically.

"Well, we 'want to make the Senate and the ASUC as a whole more accessible and accountable to students' (from SCOTT SILVER #89 for Senate!)" "How can you claim that," angerly shouted Morris, "your party has had the majority control of the senate for years and the ASUC has never become more accessible for students and has certainly become less accountable. Have you forgotten Oren Gabriel trying to get the senate to pay for his unnecessary legal fees?"

"Well, we're improving this year," craftily lied the Vice President. "We have a lot of concrete ideas that will greatly change the campus. For example, some of our candidates feel that professional note taking services need to be improved. One wants to 'extend the note taking service to more upper division courses and most of the popular lower division courses' (from VOTE #90: CHRIS WONG FOR ASUC SENATE!) and another proposes to 'create archives of previous black lightning notes' (from VOTE LISA PATEL #92 for ASUC SENATE!!)"

"First of all," answered Morris, "since you need students to take notes for these services, how do you guys plan on actually expanding the service. They already come into classrooms trying to get notetakers so do you actually have a feasable plan for implementing your claim. Your second idea is good though, but archived notes of old classes already exist on the black lightning website."

The vice president thought for a moment and said, "Black lightning archive... DONE!"


Back at CTU headquarters, Joe Rothberg is brought in for medical attention. John O'Connor is notified that Andy Morris has been captured. "We need to build a team to extract Morris from the grip of the Vice President. There's no telling what kind of lies he might be spewing."

But Morris was forced to hear the many lies and false claims of the Vice President, a fate worse than any torture Morris had ever implemented. "Well, another idea we have 'is to work with the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) for student discounts/ a BART pass similar to the current student bus pass' (from GETMO WITH BEV ELITHORP #88 FOR ASUC SENATE!!)"

"How is that even possible," screamed Morris, "BART has set fares for each location, it's not the type of service thaty ou can even get a pass for! How would you even get a student discount with that, I'm pretty sure the machine just takes cash and credit cards!"

"Well, at least we'll be able to 'increase student awareness of campus services and resources' (from WINNIE KUO #135 for ASUC Senate! :))"

Morris squirmed in his seat. "I can't take this anymore, your idiotic, vague claims don't mean anything. I don't think I can stand to hear another minute of this."

"Oh," said the Vice President calmly, "but I've only just begun."

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